Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
who will stop them
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.