I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You Might Also Like
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.