*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
LOL
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”