Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Not all heroes wear capes….
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.