Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.