I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.