I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
The French cow says MEUX…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Jurassic park gets weird
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.