If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen