God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Our lord and savoury.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting