I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese