You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.