Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
LMAO
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
2022 will be better than 2021
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.