Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?