When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.