If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that