My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist