Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.