The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already