What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Social distancing in Australia: