6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally