my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
? 💀
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark