Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.