I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Ok, but like, how married are you?