Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?