I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
any last words?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me buying fruit and veg
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Ooops wrong house😂😜
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool