Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.