Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You Might Also Like
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night