Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?