That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.