Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
getting old is fun
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.