Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
You know…for fall…
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?