Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
just gave your address to some spiders
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*serious situation*
My brain:
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.