Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Happy weekend !
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
This is not me but this is me
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.