The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone