Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
TRAIN’S HERE
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?