who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.