[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.