Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You Might Also Like
wtf is a larm clock?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Liquor Store Parking
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive