What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A classic…
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell