doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.