If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.