Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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saw this in a dream
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I need this for my side hustle.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.