She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The little toadstool has spoken.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option