“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls