satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You deplete me
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not