The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
sry
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The glockness monster
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect