Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.