Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.