Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
water it, i dare you
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
not seeing the problem