Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You Might Also Like
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch